Hello Everyone.
Today's blog post is a lot different then my usual.
Up until now talking about my anxiety seemed impossible. It was particularly hard to deal with my anxiety all throughout high school and I still struggle on a daily basis today.
The first time I ever had an anxiety attack I was in the 4th grade on the bus coming home from school. This kid who was older then me store my game boy color that I was playing and I asked him to give it back and he said no, and that's it. That's what started this horrible journey I have been dealing with my entire life. Of course he gave me my game back once I started crying and having a panic attack, but that didn't stop it. I continued to sob and hyperventilate until it was my stop and once I actually got off the bus I ran home, ran to my room, and continued having panic attacks all throughout the next couple of hours.
I felt okay for the next few years, maybe having a small panic episode every now and again (including every time I would be forced to go to Marc's with my grandmother, don't ask me why), until I was about 14 and I woke up in the middle of a random summer night and had my first panic attack for no reason. Up until then I always knew why I had anxiety but this time was different. I woke up crying, twitching, unable to breathe properly and having horrible sweats ranging from hot and cold randomly. Since then my anxiety has been regular and most of the time, for no real apparent reason.
Don't get me wrong, some days are a lot better then others. Some days I wake up totally okay and ready to start the day, but other days (like today) I woke up nervous to leave my bed. I was so scared to leave my bed that I started hyperventaling and crying the second that I finally mustered up some courage to get my feet on the ground. Getting out of bed in the morning some days is a battle all in itself, but most of the time when I finally get the strength to get out of bed, I feel better. I feel like I've won. But then there are days like today, when everything just goes downhill after I actually get up.
A lot of the time I feel like no one truely understands. Which may be my teenage "no one understands me" poking through my conscience, but nevertheless that's how I feel pretty much every day of my life. It's easy for me to relate to everyone. Everybody has a story. Everyone has something that they keep hidden from most of the world, and they wish it never comes out. That's how I feel about my anxiety.
Some of my panic attacks are so small that no one around me notices, yet some are so horrible that the only thing running through my mind is how badly I wish I knew how to ask for help. I can't even tell you how many times I have woken up in the middle of the night panicking, trying my hardest to be quiet so I don't wake anyone up.
Now panic attacks will only last between 5-20 minutes, but usually when I panic it will range from 15 minutes and that's it or I will have bursts of panic for hours and hours. I'm either barley effected by my panic, or it ruins my entire day. There is rarely any in-between.
Now don't feel bad for me, everyone has/had a panic attack in their lifetime and plenty of people have anxiety disorder. I'm simply sharing you my story.
Now the different between panic attacks and anxiety disorder is that anxiety disorder is when you will panic about the same situation no matter how silly. Zoella explains it best in her video, and it's crazy how much I am able to relate to her when she lives across an ocean!
For me, every time I am in a situation where I meet new people, I have horrible anxiety. Anytime I go into a Marc's I have a crippling panic attack. Whenever someone causes me to panic the first time I see them, I will have a panic attack the next time I'm in a situation where they are there.
The thing a lot of people don't understand about panic attacks, is a lot of the time there is absolutely nothing you can do about it except ride it out. For me, if I try to absorb my anxiety, it only makes it worse.
Having anxiety has kept me from doing some things that I would love to do. Having anxiety has kept me from making new friends and from talking about how I feel. My biggest trigger is talking about how I feel, but this trigger has only been engrained in my brain a couple of years ago.
I won't go into elaborate detail, but I was dating someone who basically didn't want me to express myself and have my own opinions and emotions. After breaking up with him my life has been a lot better and I have a wonderful new boyfriend who has always been there for me (no matter how difficult it must have been/ is for him) but to this day I always get nervous when expressing how I feel or my opinion on something. It's something I simply can't help.
It's hard to get out of bed a some days so you can only imagine how hard it is to go to work, or school or even the grocery store.
Things do get better. Sometimes, I just have to be reminded how to breathe. The reason I started blogging was because my boyfriend suggested something that could help me relax is to gain sort of a hobby. He suggested blogging because I always mentioned to him all the blogs that I read and what I like about them. Blogging has helped me focus my energy into something creative. Some that I really enjoy doing! I've only been blogigng for a little while, but writing a new post always makes me feel so accomplished and productive. It's a huge part of helping me with my anxiety.
Everyday gets better, and I hope someone reading this will at least feel a little bit better knowing someone is on the same boat as me.
As always, thanks for reading and I apologize for the long post, but if one person feels better from this, then it was worth it.
Thank you again. Xoxo- Dani
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